The past few weeks is taking its toll on my spirit and I find it challenging to do the smallest of things. Playing ping pong with my thoughts between blaming and I'm not a victim. With an irritation gnawing at my insides we ride into Bloemfontein. I now need to get to Builders Warehouse where we are going to assist a school they nominated that is in desperate need of some help. In the space of floating between positive and negative I wonder why do we think people need help. Is it not a mere coincidence of coming together and sharing something of yourself with someone else willingly and freely - a fair exchange of energy...or are we fuelling an energy of I'm more than you? Charity.
For a moment the tiredness and irritations get the better of me when a man stops next to me and he wants to take a picture of us on the bike. I told him almost shortly that we are in a hurry and lost and the streets of Bloemfontein that has been renamed doesn't help either. I caught a glimpse of his smile and I start to feel really shit for my shortness. Bless him, he offered to lead the way and get us to the Builders Warehouse and tells me that I dont have to worry. With him driving in front of us I start to ease up and know that he has no part in what I choose to think or how I respond to external factors in my life.
He escorted us to right in front of the entrance to Builders Warehouse. Apologetic and kind we pose for him to take pictures and share details. He very much would love to follow our journey and assist when possible.
My temper tantrum left me feeling hollow and frail. I desperately take a walk wide around the parking area of Builders Warehouse to try and regroup but I feel frail, alone and lost. Why did I snap at this beautiful loving stranger?
A small wave of peacefulness wash over me and I start to recite some affirmations to get myself in a more positive calm place. Making my way towards the staff who is now waiting at the information cubicle to meet us.
After a good meeting and short discussion on the school we intend to do tomorrow they offered to take me and the dogs on a drive to visit the school to make a more definite list of what is needed and what we are going to be doing for them. Focusing on fixing leaking waterpipes, toilets,taps and electrical needs which will enable them to save money on their utility bill monthly.
John, Lesego, the dogs and myself drive to Thaba Nchu....about 67 km away from Bloemfontein. On first impression sight it seems like a community who needs help but the rubbish is lying knee high, water is flowing from municipal drainage systems, malnutritioned dogs and donkeys are crossing the road and kids play in dust. As we arrive at the school I notice building contractors moving around like ants busy building a school. Requesting from the school principal what they are busy building he confirms that they are getting a brand new school. My heart start to race and I feel the same anxiety from earlier push up higher in my throat. Surely there is a school more needy in this area!!!! After a quick walk around and confirming with the principal that I indeed are cancelling the school he still insisted that he wants money from Ripples. After all that has happened and now this. Him insisting on money that he clearly doesn't need. I hear the pitch of my voice rise as I begin to explain my reasons why I am cancelling the school. The duality of my immediate reaction and my inner voice calms me down a little and with a more relaxed attitude I continue my explanation. Knowing that time is now an issue. With less than 3 hours until the store closes I now need to find a new school, do the planning, organising and purchases within this time. Gracefully I greet the principal and wish him all the best with the new school and his dreams. I feel my power come back through taking on a more kind and loving attitude.
On our way back towards Bloemfontein my mind is racing. Thoughts of how I handled the school and how I can change my energy towards this challenge just makes me feeling more guilty. I could have been so much kinder and more open to what happened.
With John and Lesego's knowledge about their city and their community we find a new school that is very much in need of lowering their water and electricity bill and some painting to make the kids proud of their school. Nozala Intermediate School within 20km radius of the store! Realizing again that every moment in our lives prepare us for the next I feel a sense of gratitude towards my life. The planning of the job goes easy as I know what needs to be done and what is needed to do it.
In a hurry with less than an hour before the store close we start purchasing the goods necessary to do the job tomorrow morning 7:30.
With everything ready and all the volunteers geared up and excited for the school me and the dogs leave to find the guest house where the store manager booked us in.
The coldness grips around my exposed hands and my mind feels restless, I need to book in and find a quiet place to meditate and sit with my thoughts. These thoughts and feelings are draining me....On arrival the booking in and finding the room goes smoothly with an awesome spot to just sit my with thoughts and work through them. I go back to a piece I read in Robin Sharma's book:
"Live in Kindness
It is important to remember that just as our words are our thoughts verbalized, so our deeds are our beliefs actualized. No action, no matter how small, is insignificant - how we treat someone defines how we treat everyone, including ourselves. If we disrespect another, we disrespect ourselves. If we are mistrustful of others we are distrustful to ourselves. If we are cruel to another, we will be cruel to ourselves. If we can't appreciate those around us, we wont be able to appreciate ourselves. With every person we engage, in everything we do, we must be kinder than expected, more generous than anticipated, more positive than we thought possible. Every moment in front of another human being is an opportunity to express our highest values and to influence someone with our humanity. We can make the world a better place, one person at a time."
